Sunday, March 11, 2012

Is It Real Life?

When I was a little girl I had the hardest time imagining myself as an adult.  Quite honestly it scared me sometimes because I thought maybe that meant I wouldn't make it that far.  I though it must be abnormal to not envision myself working a job, and having a wedding, and a family, but I couldn't see myself in those situations at all.

Maybe I could have looked at my inability to foresee the future as a good thing.  I lived in the moment, not that it's all that important, or difficult to do for a child I suppose.  It also made it very difficult to form solid dreams.  If you asked me when I was little, what I wanted to be when I was grown up, I would have probably told you a million different things.  Maybe all kids do that.

Now, at 29 years old, I still have trouble seeing it.  I'm there but I don't believe it.  I am an adult, people call me ma'am.  I have a child, I manage a home, and I pay bills.  I go to work.  I've done many of those things for a really long time too, and I still don't believe it.

Often times I walk into my sons daycare and see the other mothers and think "What am I doing here with all these adults?"  Perhaps some of them have a few years on me, but not that many.  I have a really hard time grasping age, not that it matters.  Talking to some of the other mothers is strange to me sometimes, I wonder if they think they are talking to someone far less responsible than themselves.

Don't get me wrong I think I do a pretty good job managing all that I do.  On a regular basis I wonder who it will be that comes along and tells me that it was all fake.  Who made the decision that I was allowed to have a husband and a baby and all these other things?  And who is going to take it all away?  I know the truth is that nobody will do that, and that it's probably a really weird way to think.  Maybe at some point it will all set in and I can believe that it's real.  For now, maybe it's helpful that I wonder if it's all temporary, maybe that's why I appreciate it so much.



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