Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Confessions of A Working Mom

I was thinking recently about what an incredible thing I have here in this little blog.  An opportunity to pour my heart out and share things with anyone who cares to listen.  To connect with someone who might feel the same things and not have anyone who they feel like they can relate to.  I haven't taken the opportunity to do this as much as I could, but honestly it's pretty scary.  Putting your truth out there for anyone to see is petrifying.  But, I would really like to start using my place here more for what it's really worth.  Spreading honesty and relate-ability.  I have very limited opportunity to be around people that  I feel truly feel the same way I do in many aspects but I believe that they are out there.  Somewhere. 


The most haunting thing that occurs in my life lately happens Monday through Friday, every morning.  Just about everyone who has ever spoken to me since I gave birth to my son is well aware that I want nothing more than to be staying home with my son every day.  Those are not currently the cards I hold in my hand.  Every weekday morning I wake, rush through the morning, drive my son to day care and head to my office.  Most days wishing I would get laid off, even fired, I hardly care anymore.  I'm too ethical of a person to sabotage myself though so I doubt it will ever happen.  I have a good job, with benefits, that barely pays me enough to make a difference, but it does make that small difference. 


It's a lot to ask of my husband to support us all on his own, and I know I stress him out when I do ask him, all the time.   I asked him again today after I got notice that we had to re-register our son at day care.  We get to pay a $60 fee just to keep bringing him there and paying them money.  What was worse was when I picked Evan up today he had a little injury report, which has happened a few more times than I would like.  He had a huge scratch on his cheek and had had a bloody nose.  Guess who wasn't there to comfort him?  His mommy wasn't.  


Where was I? I was in my office, not thinking of him.  The tears come now.  I don't think of him hardly ever during the day when I am at work.  When I do, I cry, or at least want to cry.  I am a ridiculous sappy mom that is just not cut out for this.  I miss him every second and though that's hard to imagine based on my previous statement, it's the truth.  It would kill me to think of him.  To think that I have no idea what he's doing, what he's eating for lunch, if he's crying.  My heart breaks a little more each day.  When 4:30 comes and it's time to go home, I rush out the door the very second I am able and get to him as quickly as humanly possible, sometimes not quickly enough for me.  


I wish I was a mother who enjoyed working a full time job.  Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions on giving up being a successful woman.  I just see things differently now.  For me, It can wait.  I blinked and Evan was 14 months old.  Next he will be off to First Grade.  I don't want to miss any more of this time with him, and I am stuck here in this place anyway.  So, I will continue to try to scratch and claw my way out of here somehow, so I can be where I want to be, where I know I am supposed to be. With my son.  






This is why I first came here.  To get these things out of me.  And there you have it.  There's plenty more where that came from. 

3 comments:

  1. I hear you Meg, I am petrified that my job is going to ask me to travel. I have the luxury of working from home which has its challenges, but I know I'm lucky to have the best of both worlds...at least until the day comes that I have to leave him and know it'll be days....not sure I'll be able to do it!!

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  2. What a lovely post. I hope I can get an at-home job before I become a mother, but we'll see how that goes. I don't know that working full-time would be so great for me.

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  3. Hi Meg! I definitely understand what you're going through. I was only working 8 hours a week, but I just had to let it go because having to balance my work schedule with my husband's, and two kids in the equation as well, just wasn't working anymore. I would get so angry and stressed out, and so two weeks ago was my last day. I didn't make a ton from only working 8 hours a week, but it definitely helped us out. We'll be finding out in the next few weeks just how hard it will hit us not having my income anymore. I decided to do something about it, so I started up a website. It hasn't replaced my income by any means, but there is definitely $ opportunity out there from blogging, and I've made close to $100 so far (since mid Jan). A slow start, but I have to start somewhere. Definitely check out Social Spark (if you haven't yet), that's where I made most of it.
    http://izea.in/r1HMT
    The more traffic your site gets, the higher your page rank will get. A higher page rank (at least a 2) can bring in lots more paid opportunities (advertising on your blog for different companies). I'm doing my best to work on my site, so that hopefully I can start replacing some of my income. Sorry this comment is so long, don't know if there's a limit to how long comments can be! =) New follower, hope it all works out!
    www.TheLatestFind.com

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