The most haunting thing that occurs in my life lately happens Monday through Friday, every morning. Just about everyone who has ever spoken to me since I gave birth to my son is well aware that I want nothing more than to be staying home with my son every day. Those are not currently the cards I hold in my hand. Every weekday morning I wake, rush through the morning, drive my son to day care and head to my office. Most days wishing I would get laid off, even fired, I hardly care anymore. I'm too ethical of a person to sabotage myself though so I doubt it will ever happen. I have a good job, with benefits, that barely pays me enough to make a difference, but it does make that small difference.
It's a lot to ask of my husband to support us all on his own, and I know I stress him out when I do ask him, all the time. I asked him again today after I got notice that we had to re-register our son at day care. We get to pay a $60 fee just to keep bringing him there and paying them money. What was worse was when I picked Evan up today he had a little injury report, which has happened a few more times than I would like. He had a huge scratch on his cheek and had had a bloody nose. Guess who wasn't there to comfort him? His mommy wasn't.
Where was I? I was in my office, not thinking of him. The tears come now. I don't think of him hardly ever during the day when I am at work. When I do, I cry, or at least want to cry. I am a ridiculous sappy mom that is just not cut out for this. I miss him every second and though that's hard to imagine based on my previous statement, it's the truth. It would kill me to think of him. To think that I have no idea what he's doing, what he's eating for lunch, if he's crying. My heart breaks a little more each day. When 4:30 comes and it's time to go home, I rush out the door the very second I am able and get to him as quickly as humanly possible, sometimes not quickly enough for me.
I wish I was a mother who enjoyed working a full time job. Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions on giving up being a successful woman. I just see things differently now. For me, It can wait. I blinked and Evan was 14 months old. Next he will be off to First Grade. I don't want to miss any more of this time with him, and I am stuck here in this place anyway. So, I will continue to try to scratch and claw my way out of here somehow, so I can be where I want to be, where I know I am supposed to be. With my son.
This is why I first came here. To get these things out of me. And there you have it. There's plenty more where that came from.