I would like to start out by thanking you very much for your many years of hard work in the numerous kitchens in which we have shared. If you'll recall you first came to me as a hand me down when I moved into my first apartment. You know, just like pretty much everything else that I still have in my kitchen because I'm too cheap to buy new things.
We whipped up a lot of things over the years, good and bad. Over the last few years your health has been deteriorating, of this I'm sure you are aware. Sometimes your plug would fall out while I was using you, and although I felt bad for you, I occasionally felt frightened that I would die of electric shock Most recently one of your mixing blades came out of alignment which made your performance even more obnoxious.
As you know, I received a fancy new stand/ handheld mixer combo for Christmas. I was hoping that you wouldn't feel threatened by this, but truthfully there was no way around it. The time has come that you will be entering my trash can. I can't donate you to another loving family because you are dangerous. I hope you are satisfied with the long life you lived. I'm glad you didn't kill me.
No Hard Feelings.